From Deep Within:

As I sit curled up in the worn, white leather recliner in my family room reading the essays from the first batch of Children of Breast Cancer Scholarship applicants I am struck by the raw emotion these short, simple essays evoked in these children.

These are not merely attempts to win money for college tuition, these are windows into the hearts and minds of a brother- and sisterhood of wounded souls. Their honesty is a stark contrast to the hidden fears of many breast cancer survivors. People like me: a mother, a wife, a woman wanting to move forward fast enough to get this monkey called breast cancer off my back.

Here are some thoughts from this special group of people called Children of Breast Cancer®. Children of families ripped apart and bound together at the same time by this despicable disease. Children stripped of their childhood, but not their childhood yearnings for security. Children indoctrinated into adulthood, not by choice, nor age, nor experience, but by loss. Yet they all are forging ahead, living life. Many of them are motivated by loss and the need to accomplish what someone else once dreamed for them. To make ‘it’ better. These are their words:

“I wish I could say that I did not need this scholarship. I wish that I could attend college and not worry about the cost or how to pay for school. I wish that my Mother did not have to suffer and lose her life to Breast Cancer. These are all things I wish I did not have to worry about in my life, but however I might wish, I still have to deal with my financial and personal responsibilities.”

“To be perfectly honest, when I first heard about this scholarship, I didn’t want to apply. I loved my mom. She was everything to me—she was my life. Just hearing about getting money for college because of her death was something I didn’t want to be a part of. But that’s when I realized I lost so much for her death. I lost a best friend, a source of strength, and of course, the person who cared about me the most. My family’s income was drastically reduced, and I had to deal with not being able to buy things that I felt I needed. College already worries me and my family because of the cost. This scholarship would take away some of the fear of not being able to pay.”

“Although it has been over four years since she passed away, I still haven’t been able to find the right kind of closure to my despair from losing her, and I am hoping that winning this scholarship will indirectly give me that closure.”

“Not only do I need this scholarship for school, but also I want to honor my mother. To this day I think about her before every decision I make, so that I make the choice that would have made her proud.”

“This scholarship will honor my mom’s goal of allowing me to go away to college. She always encouraged me to follow my dreams.”

“This scholarship would seem to me that my mother is still helping to pay for college. (It) was her dream to see her children get a college degree.”

“Whenever I get sad or lonely or miss my mom, I just close my eyes and think back to one of the few memories I have of my mom. (When I would leave for preschool) my mom would always sit on the recliner and kiss me goodbye. There was never a day up until the very end when my mom never kiss my goodbye no matter how bad she felt.”

(“During the years my mother was sick) I think I missed out on have fun because I took life much more seriously from then on. On the other hand, I was much more mature and didn’t get myself into trouble.”

“The hardest adjustment I had to deal with when she passed away was coming home from school and not having her ask me how my day was. It was great always having someone ask how your day was, and if you needed help with anything.”

“My 15 year old sister and I became what you would call ‘housewives’ or a ‘caretakers.’ My sister received her driving license early and had her name on the credit card and checking account so that we could go grocery shopping. By my 11th birthday I was cooking dinner, doing dishes, washing laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, shoveling the driveway and balancing my dad’s checkbook.”

“When (my mother) died my father and brother closed up and became…hostile with me. Our relationships hit rock bottom. All of a sudden the love and attention I once had had transformed itself into despair and anger.”

“I have tried to adjust to being the mom of my household. Every morning I get my 6-year-old sister and 10- year- old brother ready for school to catch the bus. I have adjusted to putting others’ needs before my own. This is one of the many valuable characteristics which my mother taught me.”

“The initial impact of cancer is about the same for everyone, I’m sure. I know when my mother first told me she had cancer, I cried. The first thing you do is cry.”

“I think the most surprising thing to me is no one told me you could die of Breast Cancer. The only stories I ever heard were how great the success rate is for living. So when I cried for my mom, I cried because she had cancer, not because she was going to possibly die.”

“Life was do different after she died. The loneliness of seeing other children with their mothers and knowing that I could never see her, and the emptiness of going to my mom’s room and not seeing her there are indescribable.”

“I prize life much more than before this experience. (It) makes you realize that we are all mortals. That is just the way life is. I have learned that you have to be grateful for what you have, and what is in the past cannot be changed.”

“While my dad was taking care of my mom, I was helping to take care of my brother and sister. Due to the time we spent together and the loss we shared, what I prize most about all are my brother and sister.”

“Looking back, I know there was some resentment of the position I felt forced to occupy. I don’t regret having to grow up fast now, though. In college, I feel ahead of the game. I am organized, responsible, driven and hardworking.”

“I am proud of who I have become. I’ve learned responsibility, morals, how to cherish memories and made time for the important people in my life. Loosing my mother to cancer has taught me to cherish and enjoy the basic things in life that most others take for granted.”

“I try to help others in instructing them to cherish time with their mom and day because you never know what tomorrow my bring.”

“My mom loved life. She recorded a cassette tape four days before she died. I got to listen to it on my graduation day. She said simply, “I had a beautiful life. I loved it. You kids and your father were of the best moments of my life.” Her words gave me comfort and ambition to live a life like that.”

“I am determined to live (life) to the fullest everyday, to make my mark on the world; to complete what my mother only started.”

“I have come to realize that through all of this that I am a lot stronger than I thought.”

   Home | About Us | Scholarships | Events | News | You Can Help | Forum | Guestbook | Contact
Copyright 2003-2005 | MaryEllen Locher Foundation®